Monday, October 11, 2010

Honestly, today is a day that has given me a new insight of my life
What I've seen, experienced and read today,
I realised I have to stop being what I am and live a new life
To be the 'real' me

Today is the first day of college
I went there with lots of expectations and uncertainties
Only to be met with a pain that made me feel very alive right now
It feels as if I've died, and alive again
One thing that I'm certain is, I don't think I will be ever ready to bear a child
Not without epidural or painkillers
And I'm very very grateful to my friends who've understood and helped me
Especially Mr JL since he fetched me all the way home without any complaints
Too bad I have to miss my first class of Macro,
something that I looked forward to

Another thing that I looked forward to today is results
Everyone in the first year of degree will be getting their results today
I know that I've done badly for my Micro but none of my friends would believe nor understood me
I know the results that I'll get will be very disappointing to everyone
Especially my Econs teachers, Mr Alex and Ms Lim
Most of all, I'm disappointed with myself
I only expected two results for my Micro
Either I failed, or I get a B
I checked my result, and honestly I'm very very disappointed
All of my friends got an A for their ACC101 except me
I got a B+ instead, which means that it's only probably another 5 marks away from an A
I totally regretted the time where I played a fool with myself by being overconfident with my ACC101 during mid terms
And I repeated this mistake for my Micro during finals
What I do not understand is, I was able to teach my friends
but unable to do the exam in the end
Seeing how stressed up and how confident my friends did in the hall made me lose my mind
I went totally blank and blur

Nevertheless, I got a C+
and this C has totally crushed all my hopes of obtaining a scholarship to enter UQ
One miserable C that kill all my hopes, just like what happened in Foundations
I guess I have to stop thinking and brooding about the past, but to work harder
The secret to success?
Try to maintain my enthusiasm for each and every subject
I'm very disappointed in myself as I just could not get it why I have to screw up things at the most crucial point of my life

The third thing that I've learnt today is to have the strength to overcome my pasts
It's something that I've avoided and ignored, only to repeat the same mistakes again and again
Worst of all, I lose all my confidence in the process
and try to blend in, hoping that no one will notice, nor comment anything about it
I lost my entire childhood and my teenage years
Now I felt that I'm too old for everything

When I was young, I realised that I've a different way of thinking compared to my friends
I'd observed a lot, and learnt
Only to realised that no one at my age whose mind work the same way as mine
I'm proud of that
Till....I decided to stop observing and blend in with the rest
I was sick of what I'm getting
and I decided to be like others, once and for all so that I can maintain an 'invisible' life
This has not only lowered my confidence but also made me lose sight of my life, my aims, and my goals

Last year, somehow I'd managed to came out of that miserable life
I lived life with confidence and happiness
Because for the first time in my life, I felt that all my problems has been lifted
I was enjoying excellent health and meeting a lot of new friends and different types of people
It's like a new life
I started experiencing with life, only to lose it in the end
Again by overconfidence
Without realising, I put my hopes and dreams onto one person
Only to be crushed the following week
I lived my life once again in fear, trying to blend in, making myself invisible from others
Few months later, I met a person who opened up my mind and helped me
My life improved, tho not back into the original me
During the process, just like now, I screwed up my studies
Having lots of hopes and expectations,
only to be crushed in the end due to my own stupidity

Too bad, I can't seem to help the person
I've tried my best, put all my efforts in
Only to realise that the person has put a resistance on himself
There's no way I could help him unless he removed the resistance and start working hard for his future
I'm just hoping that he'll wake up and start living for his future

But thanks to this person, I'd managed to stand up from my pasts and do what is necessary
Each and everyday, he'd give me the courage to achieve what I want
Too bad I'm not doing a good job
No one could see why you and I could be together
But you've actually saved me from what I was
Thank you :)

Therefore, as usual, at the start of every sem,
I will have big hopes, only to end up with disappointments at the end
Hopefully I will be able to maintain what I want to achieve this time
Not to say that I do not appreciate what I have,
but I'd like to achieve what I want, rather than satisfactory results

New sem resolution:

1. Study hard
2. Obtain desired results (an A in every subjects)
3. Stop hiding and be myself
4. Teach my bf maths until he can do it
5. Have confidence

There are a lot more that I would like to achieve but I guess I'll work those out myself
Afterall, there's no point in talking but not being able to do it in the end
Hopefully, this time will be a new, different and special time where I'll be able to find the true me
Time to focus on what I really want
and what's in front

Goodluck :)