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Saturday, January 29, 2011

it's my birthday today
i was in a good mood and relaxing happily at home
i feel alot better compared to yesterday
up to the point that i know it's pointless and useless for me to think or care anymore about my bunch of friends
i feel that i'm gonna downgrade my friends from close friends to hi-bye friends
cause i realised they no longer take me as a friend anymore
so what's the point for me to care and think so much?

until my friend called me out for lunch
i thought just out lunch with him and enjoy since i didn't go anywhere today
plus it has been a long time since we go out together
then when we're out, he said something about my 'close' friend
then i start to emo again..
hiahz i guess it's really not easy to forget something
i feel very tired when i think back on them
out of the entire gang, only one bothered to call me to wish me
which is also the one that i scolded
yet the one that i considered close, just sms me a Happy Birthday notice
well, i guess something is better than nothing
i really have no idea what came over her
it's so weird...
i'm upset again :(
♥ alexis at 6:25 PM

Friday, January 28, 2011

I watched a nice show today, called Shaolin. In the show, there are many elements of Buddhism and it reminds me of my past. It has been ages since I last stepped foot into a temple and pray with others. Tho I don't have the intention to pray last time, but I do at the sidelines subconsciously. It seems that those prayers have been naturally inculcated in my mind as I do not know how to read Chinese since young. If I do not pray along, I will feel guilty and hurt. Since young, I have been wondering why. Maybe in my previous life I have committed too many sins to cause me to have what I have today. For a normal person at my age, many don't undergo the pains that I've undergone. Due to this, many aren't able to understand my feelings and pain.

Since young, I'm not a person who can express my feelings easily. However, when I talk, I always felt as if I've let on too much of myself. After that, I will automatically distance myself from my friends because I felt exposed, naked. However, according to my friends, they've always find me as a quiet person who doesn't let go much about myself. But in my case, I felt insecure.

After watching the show today, sometimes I wonder, whether is it true about what people said about me since young. That I will be a nun. It seems that it might be true, tho I'll never know where I got the courage to do so. Since young, I've been disappointed and hurt badly. Each time, I will wish that I'll gain inner peace, away from all the hurts and pains inflicted on myself and others. I can't bear to see others being hurt and I'd rather I'm the one whom is being hurt. Maybe that's why I'm always willing to help my friends who have been hurt.

It always seem easy to help others because I'm always seeing from the outter perspective. But why, when I'm hurt, I'm always blinded? There are many times when I confided in others. But why is it that many people ask me to move on and forget it? I don't need those advices. I just need someone to understand. However, many people don't. They'll just think that I'm being paranoid. Is it wrong to feel insecure and hurt? Is it wrong for me to tell others about my insecurities? If I could handle it by myself, I wouldn't have taken the trouble to find people and confide in them isn't it?

Why is it that I'm always willing to help my friends? It's because I understands the pain they're going through. However, when I'm hurt, who understands me? No one. Not even the person whom I trusted and care the most for, my friends. They just ignore. And in this case, worse, they think that I'm the cause of the politics that is going on in the group. Tho now that it's all good, however, their feelings are still the same. And I'm being more and more neglected each day. I confided in two persons whom I trusted and expected to understand me the most. But I was disappointed. Not only the first ignored me, but the latter accused me of being the cause of the politics.

Suddenly, I feel as if my life has just ended that way. I no longer know who to turn to. Both my best friends couldn't understand me, and my boyfriend thinks that I should get over it. If I could forget it, I wouldn't end up to be what I am today. The thing I fear most in the world is to be neglected and misunderstood. Now, I'm facing both. And I fear I might be having my depression back again. It hurts. If I have the choice, I wouldn't want to return to that path. I've wasted most of my childhood due to depression. I can trust no one and be happy. I even forgot everything. But now, history is repeating.

Tomorrow will be my birthday. Tho I've never put much hopes on my birthday, but dunno why, I'm feeling more upset this year. Nothing good happens on my birthday. Every year, I will be disappointed. Up to the point that I always tell myself to forget it cause there's nothing good to celebrate. Humans are born to survive and it's a sin. Cause humans are always being hurt, or hurting others. Why? I just wish that God would grant my wish and let me die within these seven days. I feel as if I can no longer cope with my life anymore. I no longer know what I'm capable of and I no longer know what I'll do after these seven days.It's unlikely that things will all change in these seven days. But I hope if I do still live on, after these seven days, I hope my life will take a turn to be better. Because I'm tired. I just want a peaceful life.
♥ alexis at 4:19 PM

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

i had a nightmare
in my nightmare, my friends were treating me as cold as they were treating me now
not in my life would i thought that my so called close friend is a double-crosser
yes, people said life goes on and it's better to forgive
i'm trying but i feel as if i've been taken advantage on
how could they do this to me?
yes, the situation is improving by 3% now
but i can't help but lost the trust
it's said to trust your feelings when you're deciding whether to continue with this kind of people
but to say the truth, my gut told me to leave and forget
yet, i know i might regret in the future
i will leave when it's time
but i guess in this 3 months time, i'll have to stay
cause tho after what they have done to me,
i still can't bear to see the group being separated
there is no longer any trusts between the members anymore
maybe i wasn't the only one whom was hurt in the process
we'd communicate
but i know that is what everyone wants and think to do
but whether it's sincere...
most of them think only about the group assignment and their own personal benefit
i feel like talking to the guy in my group cause he knows how i feel
but i see that he's also one of them whom have made me lost my trust
what else can i talk to them?
i no longer can trust anyone...
♥ alexis at 7:42 PM

The hardest thing in this world is to be eliminated by the person whom you love and trust the most without a reason. Worse part is, after all the efforts that have been put into the 'crisis', they turn around and stab you in return; attacking you at the moment where you're most defendless without your knowledge.

The situation started with a couple whom have broke up but refuse to leave each other. They fight everyday, creating tensions and concerns among the group. The females were wondering why the female lead has not told them about the problem as they were a gang and close friends. Later on, i, as the observant, found out what happened from a third party. Due to some misunderstanding, the female lead misunderstood that i was the one whom told then entire gang about what happened. It wasn't me but the male lead and a third party whom told the group and other people. However, i didn't think the situation was severe because we're a gang. So why bother hiding? Isn't a group of friends should share their problems? If you're not willing to share, then don't ever let others see it.

My friend misunderstood me and i didn't tell anyone about the situation. I kept my mouth close but told my other female friends to talk to her instead because 'i suspect there is a probem with her relationship with her bf;. Slowly, i didn't realise that i was losing my friends. Yet all the while i was concentrating on helping the female lead to overcome her problem. I didn't realise that my friends has started to ignore me and suddenly everyone turned against me. I have no idea what i have done wrong. If asking others to help lessen my friend's burden is a wrong thing to do, then i really don't know what is right. And since i was misunderstood, i was never in the position to know anything about her. Slowly, they started hiding things from me. Even from my friend, the one whom i care and trust the most. I believe she will be able to see the situation and understand me. Yet, she also walked away from me.

Despite what others said, i believe that my close friend is innocent. I believe that she understands me. I believed that she won't turn against me for whatever rumors she heard. I've known her for quite long and i care for her. Some people told me that she's only using me as i was always available for help. But i guess i was taken advantage. I told others that i don't mind if she's just using me. What i worry is her future and i do not want to see her in the slums again. Yet, this is what happened to me, for caring too much. The situation worsen. Slowly, i realised that i no longer can convince anyone that i'm innocent. Worse is i never know what happened.

The group was separated mentally as the situation worsen. My close friend which claimed that she was neutral and 'don't wanna care' suddenly turn against others members too. She ignored everyone but to talk only to the female lead. She even started hiding matters from me. Yet i believed that she has her reason for doing so and she would never hurt me. Other people started noticing the situation in our gang and they told me what they have observed. Slowly, i see it more and more clearly that everyone in the group was affected. As the situation worsen and i see other members have lost their confidence, i told them that it's not the females' fault. Instead i told them to try to see the situation from the females' point of view. I told them that their attitudes have a reason/reasons. But other members took what i said as 'that is the reason' instead of 'this might be why they are behaving that way'. They misunderstood everyone.

When college starts, i can see that each of us are hoping that the situation will improve. My close friend told me that the female lead is coping well and i heard from a third party that she will try to talk to her ex and other members. I can see that she was trying hard. For a person whom has ignored me for the past 6 months, she started talking to me again. I was shocked. The observers too. And my close friend told me that she felt guilty and bad that our group has split and she will try to make the group better again. Yet when the female lead started to change, my close friend also changed, in a way where she totally ignore others and me, creating the tension again.

I never expected this to happen. I felt very stress. There are many things that are going on in my mind. I have matters to worry about instead of the friendship between these 5 people. Yet no one bother to take concern on me. Yesterday, the male lead confronted my close friend on why she wanna play politics among us. She said that she didn't but it was me and the female lead. For a person whom claimed that the female lead is her close friend, why would she say that? For a person whom claimed that she's innocent, why would she play the psychology test on us by rotating between me and the female lead, treating us with sudden hot and cold passion? But then again, who, afterall, when confronted will admit that they are the culprit? Yet they can treat me so well all of a sudden yesterday.

Only till last night i realised that my efforts have all been dumped into the bin. For all the while, i have told and convinced the male lead to understand the situation. But he took everything that i've said as the true answer to the problem. After what they told him yesterday, he blamed me for backstabbing the group. He blamed me for 'playing politics' in the group. I was so hurt. It's not like he didn't know that i cared for the group so much. He knows the pain that i've gone through yet he told me to ignore them. But i couldn't and can never ignore them cause i worry and care for the female lead, my so called close friend and the group. I didn't want us to separate just because of this.

The male lead has never thought that the culprit whom cause this thing is him. I didn't blame him. I told him all of us will understand and we will try to make the situation better. But i really didn't know that he and the others will turn around and stab me and put all the blames on me when i was the one who is worrying and trying to help the group. Never has i felt such strong betrayal in my life.

From yesterday onwards, i realised that maybe, maybe i should just leave. I'm feeling very tired. I didn't expect my efforts to be appreciated but i expected them to know my efforts and do something from it. Not turning around, blaming me for everything and then pretend as if nothing had happened. When they need me the most, i was there for them. Always. But when i need them the most, they just never listen but to ignore or else, tell me to forget it. If i could forget things so easily, would i ever turn to you people and ask for help? Why would i bother to waste my time worrying bout problems and talking to them if i can solve the problems by myself?

I've decided that i really do not want to care anymore. To be with a group that only cares bout their own problems, and later put the blame on me for everything, i know they are really not my friends. If they are my friends, they will be able to see the pains that im going thru. But no, they do not.

One friend of mine told me that real friends are not those that you need to hang out with for long or talk to to know what is bugging them. Real friends are not those that leaves you when you have problems. And real friends are certainly not those that judge matters by its cover and ignore you when they hear a rumor about you.

My motto in life since young was not to judge a book by its cover, not to prejudice against others, and not to take rumors as truths. Whatever others told me, i will find for the truth before making up my mind about a person. In this situation here, i guess i finally found the answer that i was searching for. It just saddens me that for a bunch of people whom i cared most, they would misunderstand me hurt me without finding the truth. If they really cared about me, they wouldn't have done this to me. I know the adult world is scary and lonely and anytime will be stabbed by others, but i really didn't expect this from the bunch of friends whom i've known and hang out together for nearly everyday for more than 2 years.

Just because i kept my mouth shut, it doesn't mean that i was not affected by the situation. I feel as if i've been wrongly blamed for a thing that i've never done. And it ain't feel nice. At all.
♥ alexis at 3:04 PM

Thursday, January 20, 2011

it's public holiday..
had a great time with family
yet it seems as if im faking everything
i no longer know what to do with my life
why does a small matter seem to bother me so much?
i hate it when im being influenced so much
i know it's time to be myself
but i just couldn't bear this treatment anymore
im human too
but what have i done to deserve such thing?
you're making me more and more depressed everyday
when you asked me how i am, i really have no idea what to reply
i tried telling you
but you never listen
the word 'ignorance is bliss'?
it no longer belong to me
it belongs to you now..
what i can say is
'having too much of everything makes you an unappreaciative person'
♥ alexis at 8:15 PM

Saturday, January 15, 2011

my life has been jumbled up lately
friends has been finding me for advices
i gave them what i can give from my experiences
i help them whenever i can
feeling lucky in a way that i could help
and many told me that i'm lucky to have what i'm having now
but my life has taken a turn
i'm all lost and wrecked
i no longer know how to feel and think
i just want a time of my own to sort things out
in the mean time, who is going to help me?

all the time i have intuitions which i partly believe in
cause i believe life is up to me and intuitions are not 100% true
recent events had let me realised that my intuitions are getting sharper
yet all these intuitions that i've got, aren't exactly great
what should i do?

life sucks in a way where you're expecting the worse
yet at the moment, there's nothing you can do to prevent it
how i wish someone could understand me, help me
i do need some help sometimes
but i can't go to my friends as they are too burdened by their problems
tho they might have solved most of it by now
but none would like to be indulged in problems again
and there's no way i'll be burdening them
so...who's gonna help me?

results weren't up to what i've expected
i can't believe i got a C+ for my Macro
how can this happen when i was the highest for my Mid Terms,
and during Finals i could do it well?
for Micro i could understand as i didn't know how to do anything for Finals
but Macro??
i'm tempted to ask for a remark, which will cost rm100
friends have told me that it's useless
but i believe that doing so might make a change
what should i do?
i don't even dare to let my parents know
for recently i've been blamed on something that was not my fault
and has been treated like shit since then
what should i do?

i just need a place
where i can be by myself, to lick my wounds
and to live by my own freedom
feels as if i've been boxed up
feels so tired and upset
who's gonna help me?
♥ alexis at 2:11 PM

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

i just don't get it
what makes it so hard just to pass a damn Foundation?
i'm sick and tired of ever hoping that you'll pass it
i'm tired of having faith on you everytime and yet you only know how to disappoint me
sorry, but you really force me to do this
i'm gonna start giving up on you
i'm tired of all your lies
is it so hard to just sit in class, listen and copy down whatever the lecturer said?
is it so hard to do your homework?
is it really hard to review back your studies?
if money is important to you,
you should know what's the opportunity costs of doing so
apparently, two years is definitely not enough for you
if i give you another two years, i can bet that you'll never pass it too
cause you ALWAYS thinks that people are born not to listen, copy, and do homework and yet pass their exam
you know what?
i can tell u this: even God also can't do it
what makes you think you can do it?
i'm too fed up with your lies and excuses
this is unbearable
i'll never want a stupid boyfriend in my life
i don't care how much you can make in your future
but what i know now is i'll never regret on the decision that i've make upon now

YOU are the one that force me to do so
♥ alexis at 9:59 PM

Friday, January 7, 2011

omg i can't believe what i'm seeing
how can these things happen?
5 people whom were so close to each other
now they are separated
and backstabbing each other
can't they see and think back on the shared dreams they once have?
can't they reminisce back on the memories shared?
i've never thought such similar incident would happen
not this way
it's way too childish to bear
it's too heartbreaking to see it happen
you can see it clearly that one side is tolerating
while the other is spreading lies and fire,
giving cold treatments
trying to make as if the presevered ones are the culprits
it's wrong..
way too wrong
this can't be happening
not to them too.....

and i'd never once expect that to come from you
yeah you..the one whom i trusted the most
whom i considered the best of the best
how can you be heartless....
♥ alexis at 9:20 PM

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

seems that so much has passed
time has moved on
many things are lost on the way
i've lost in touch with the K world
much to the destiny of my favourite group is unknown
it's sad to see that such a wonderful group has to be separated
and it's sad to see the fate of DBSK to end up this way
JYJ seemed to have moved on well,
while the fate of the other two remained hurt
did they ever think of the consequences?
the hurt they'd bring to others?

tho most of my favourite members are in JYJ,
however it's also sad to see the way the group is now
how unresponsible
it just makes people feel so isolated and hurt

DBSK came out with a new song recently called

Keep Your Head Down

Keep your head down U-Know time (Max)
You know what time it is?
This is return of the king

(Everything has ended) I didn’t even start yet
(We broke up) I haven’t even heard the reason yet
Everyone around me keeps asking me why I’m like this
Why are you like that, why are you like that? I’m already the bad guy

(If it’s a sin) If loving you was a sin
(If that was a shin) If being genuine is a sin
(I’ll keep it low, I’ll keep it low) I’ll hold it in and stand my ground

(Keep your head down)
You look pretty, but inside you’re so different, that’s what I’m afraid of
(Keep your head down)
I said I loved you but I’ll let you go

(Why?) Did you leave me so easily
(Why?) Did I look easy to you?
(Why?) My heart is ripping to shreds
(Why?) If every moment was a dream
(Why?) If only I had the time to set it right
(Why?) I prayed for your happiness

I was always satisfied with having you
I was happy to dream the same dream as you no matter what they said
I had to let you go, but I’m just walking my path anyway
Now I’m just chillin’, Feel like I’m healing

It’s too late, you said you can’t come back
You’ve always believed that I’d crumble without you
That’s a misunderstanding, why would I do that? why, why, I told you I wouldn’t

(Hey) I was really, really sad, because you were so immature
and I was afraid you’d meet someone bad (Why? baby)

(Keep your head down)
You’re really pretty, but that’s all there is to you, there’s nothing important inside of you
(Keep your head down)
A nail is driven into the heart that is holding in the pain of love

(Why?) Why
(Why?) You let go of our love so easily
(Why?) Did you ever think that someone would get worried?
(Why?) I don’t think you know yet
(Why?) Exactly just what you let go of
(Why?) Just remain there and watch me grow

Ha~ Don’t play with people like that
In front of me, all you do is speak of lies
You’re such a two-faced person
(Why why why) Since when did our crystal-like feelings become so opaque?

Our love has ended, I’ve let you go, and now my heart is empty
But my future is gesturing towards me to get up and smile
I’m letting you go, live happily (why why why)
One day far from now, far from now, I want to just smile comfortably

(Why?) Why
(Why?) You let go of our love so easily
(Why?) Did you ever think that someone would get worried?
(Why?) I don’t think you know yet
(Why?) Exactly just what you let go of
(Why?) Just remain there and watch me grow

(Keep your head down)
Erased, disappeared, you’ve burned to death in my heart
(Keep your head down)
Erased, disappeared, you’ve died in my heart and you no longer exist

this lyrics, is well-suited with my emotions right now
it's just so saddening to see how things turn out to be this way
it's alright
there's nothing that i can do but to face forward, just like DBSK...

another guy that i miss?

Park Jung Min :)

life has its ups and downs
what one only can do, is to bravely embrace it
if things were to turned out this way
i've done the best that i can
there's no other way that i can do without hurting others
and i do not want to take the path where i'll hurt everyone around me
it's ok for you to hurt me,
but it's not ok for me to hurt anyone...
♥ alexis at 8:44 PM

Sunday, January 2, 2011

after being pushed around and all
i've decided what i should do
i feel very very bad and upset
i know i should not leave you alone
but it seems that that's the only way you'd like be dallied
why did i defend you all the time only to know you're just like one of them?
why did i care so much for you, just when i know you're going to use me again and again?
coming to me only when you needed help?
i've decided not to waste my time anymore
if childish games were to be played
it's up to you to follow up
but i know i no longer be involved
let's just treat it as a happy game
if it only makes you happy
it's my future and my decision
it's your future, and it's up to you to dally with it

hope you enjoy it :)
i'm sure i'll enjoy it very much
past, current, or future,
i've found a leeway now :D
♥ alexis at 11:56 PM




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