Tuesday, June 28, 2011
for the first time in my life
i realised that i really do hate someone without realising
yet, i thought i have forgiven that person
but i guess i can't do it no matter how hard i wanted to
after nearly two years, this person appeared in front of my eyes again
apparently, i did not see him and wouldn't have know his existence if my friend had not tell me about it
at the moment i knew about it, i was really mad and disgusted
no kidding, but i have the urge to attack him
throughout the entire lunch, i forced myself to concentrate on the food and my friend, and not attack him
i guess this is what happens when you step on my tail
ughhh sickening, annoying, and disgusting
no kidding but these were what i was feeling other than mad and provoked
and i really regret controlling myself
maybe i should just attack him instead...
thank god i managed to calm down with some loud music and speeding
no kidding but these two things really make me feel a lot better
but i still have a good mind to attack that person....
♥ alexis at 7:40 PM
Thursday, June 16, 2011
tonight, i do not feel happy
fairytales do not happen in my world
no matter how realistic it is, it do not happen
but once in a while, i wish it do...
how much longer, do i have to feel sorry for myself?
how much longer, do i have to live with this pain?
it's too late to cut all ties
the ties have long vanished
the moment everything end, it vanished together too
in this world, i learn not to trust
in this world, i told myself not to hurt
in this world, i learn to be cold
in this world, i lost myself once again...
♥ alexis at 11:25 PM
suddenly feel like falling in love again
i know this sounds crazy
but i guess it will feel nice to fall in love
i've never really experience love in the way i want it to be
but i guess in reality it's hard and rare?
lol i'm being random here :)
♥ alexis at 1:26 AM
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
ughhh very very very pissed now
don't get it why am i thinking of my friends for whatever i do
yet they never bother thinking about me
damn blardy pissed
from my work, i smuggle samples to give to them
yet just because i never go for classes, they don't bother taking notes and slides for me
this is bloody annoying
this is it
ignorance is bliss
don't ever blame me for being evil
btw, my hand hurts like hell!!! ughhh
♥ alexis at 1:12 PM
Monday, June 13, 2011
just finished my operation
there is some complications as i hoped, just not death as i wish for
my parents were totally unsympathetic
i got scolded by my dad and he told me that i deserve it
as for my mum, she just show me the black face
no kidding, but i swear i will leave this house as soon as i finish studying
there is no way i'm gonna stay in this miserable house
during work, i made alot of friends and all finds that my house have weird people, something unusual with no family bonds
that, i really agree cause there is definitely no encouragements or positivity in the family
♥ alexis at 1:14 PM
Thursday, June 9, 2011
i've sat at my room for the whole day
throughout the entire time i cried
it's too pain to bear
i feel it everywhere, physically and mentally
there's only a wish i'd like it to come true
i wish that during my operation, something would go wrong and i'll be declared brain dead or death
please, let this wish come true...
♥ alexis at 7:30 PM
another surgery to be done on monday
why is there endless pain for me in this life?
for the past 8 years i have to endure with this pain
now i'm 20 and yet, im still not healed from it
not to forget other pains that come with this...
life is so tiring sometimes
im tired of fighting for my life
when can i stop fighting for everything
and stop the pain forever?
can't miracle just befall me just like how it was 6 years ago?
i just need another miracle in my life....
♥ alexis at 11:59 AM
Monday, June 6, 2011
i tried so hard to maintain everything
i thought that if i tolerate some more,
everything will be the same or better
i thought that if things get better,
we might be back together again
i thought you still love me
but everything changed once again
why is it so hard to maintain it?
i thought it could work out once again
i thought it will
but why am i being let down once again?
why am i being treated like shit by you?
what have i done wrong to deserve all these?
♥ alexis at 9:08 PM
the reality is cruel
all the while, i've been walking alone
i thought you were by my side
but you never have been
so why am i hurting so badly now?
what have i done towards you to be treated worse than a dog?
i don't know what we can talk about anymore
you stopped convincing me
and i stopped trusting you
there's one thing i know for sure
we're not going back together
there's too much hurt to turn back anymore
congratulations, you win
i was foolish enough to trust you
you must be proud
♥ alexis at 8:02 PM
after what i've done for you
i thought it was worthwhile all along
i thought that if i take all the pains in and kept silent everything would be ok
i thought you would understand me, just like what you claimed to be
i put my faith on you, trusted you
i didn't realised that you don't trust me all along
you never think of me
you never understand me
and you prejudiced against me
you never think of the reasons behind my action
you never think of the pains that i go thru
♥ alexis at 1:54 PM
Sunday, June 5, 2011
the internal struggles are killing me slowly
i'm as messed up as ever
when will all these end?
♥ alexis at 11:55 AM
Friday, June 3, 2011
taking the first step is never easy
first, i broke up with my bf
second, i decided to choose a major whereby no one i know is taking
third, i decided to get separated from my friends
fourth, i really have finally took the first step out of the norm
i realised, this is the first time i'm doing things that i really want for myself without caring that much anymore about other people and their views
maybe because i don't bother anymore, there's actually no 'feelings'
i don't have to worry about people misunderstanding me
i don't have to worry about people hating me
i don't have to worry about what people think of me
i don't have to worry about being judged by people
however, am i happy with all these decisions?
i don't know
i'm starting to lose my friends one by one
i'm starting to lose the person whom i love slowly
there might be regretted decisions
but for now, it's too early to judge the current decision
right now, i feel satisfied
but i'm not exactly happy yet
all these are new to me
it's a tough decision
what lays ahead in the future for me?
i don't know
to say the truth, i wish some things could be maintained or improved
but i realised, it's not up to me to improve it because the decision is still up to that particular individual
it's still the individual's future
if he cannot put me first in his priority list and learn to make things better,
i guess there's nothing else that i can do anymore
should i wait?and if i do, how long do i have to wait?
everything is a first step for me right now
and for the first time, there's no one to back me up anymore...
♥ alexis at 10:27 PM
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
it seems that everyone is having a dream
they dream of being a dancer
they dream of being in fairytale loves
they dream of meeting great korean stars and being recognise
but why is it that i no longer have any of these dreams anymore?
i used to be crazy over all these things
but suddenly, everything just disappeared where i learnt how cruel the reality can be
was i too immature, or that i've just lost hope in everything?
my life from now onwards seems to be a rocky path
deciding majors and determining my future at this time is a pain
there's dilemma in everything that i decided
will these decisions be the right decisions?
in every decision made, there is a outcome
but will these outcomes be a good thing for my future?
my intuitions seems to have stopped
my health seems to have gone worse
honestly, i'm very scare right now
what decisions do i have to make finally?
will i be successful and happy in the future?
will everything be ok finally?
♥ alexis at 11:56 PM