Friday, January 28, 2011

I watched a nice show today, called Shaolin. In the show, there are many elements of Buddhism and it reminds me of my past. It has been ages since I last stepped foot into a temple and pray with others. Tho I don't have the intention to pray last time, but I do at the sidelines subconsciously. It seems that those prayers have been naturally inculcated in my mind as I do not know how to read Chinese since young. If I do not pray along, I will feel guilty and hurt. Since young, I have been wondering why. Maybe in my previous life I have committed too many sins to cause me to have what I have today. For a normal person at my age, many don't undergo the pains that I've undergone. Due to this, many aren't able to understand my feelings and pain.

Since young, I'm not a person who can express my feelings easily. However, when I talk, I always felt as if I've let on too much of myself. After that, I will automatically distance myself from my friends because I felt exposed, naked. However, according to my friends, they've always find me as a quiet person who doesn't let go much about myself. But in my case, I felt insecure.

After watching the show today, sometimes I wonder, whether is it true about what people said about me since young. That I will be a nun. It seems that it might be true, tho I'll never know where I got the courage to do so. Since young, I've been disappointed and hurt badly. Each time, I will wish that I'll gain inner peace, away from all the hurts and pains inflicted on myself and others. I can't bear to see others being hurt and I'd rather I'm the one whom is being hurt. Maybe that's why I'm always willing to help my friends who have been hurt.

It always seem easy to help others because I'm always seeing from the outter perspective. But why, when I'm hurt, I'm always blinded? There are many times when I confided in others. But why is it that many people ask me to move on and forget it? I don't need those advices. I just need someone to understand. However, many people don't. They'll just think that I'm being paranoid. Is it wrong to feel insecure and hurt? Is it wrong for me to tell others about my insecurities? If I could handle it by myself, I wouldn't have taken the trouble to find people and confide in them isn't it?

Why is it that I'm always willing to help my friends? It's because I understands the pain they're going through. However, when I'm hurt, who understands me? No one. Not even the person whom I trusted and care the most for, my friends. They just ignore. And in this case, worse, they think that I'm the cause of the politics that is going on in the group. Tho now that it's all good, however, their feelings are still the same. And I'm being more and more neglected each day. I confided in two persons whom I trusted and expected to understand me the most. But I was disappointed. Not only the first ignored me, but the latter accused me of being the cause of the politics.

Suddenly, I feel as if my life has just ended that way. I no longer know who to turn to. Both my best friends couldn't understand me, and my boyfriend thinks that I should get over it. If I could forget it, I wouldn't end up to be what I am today. The thing I fear most in the world is to be neglected and misunderstood. Now, I'm facing both. And I fear I might be having my depression back again. It hurts. If I have the choice, I wouldn't want to return to that path. I've wasted most of my childhood due to depression. I can trust no one and be happy. I even forgot everything. But now, history is repeating.

Tomorrow will be my birthday. Tho I've never put much hopes on my birthday, but dunno why, I'm feeling more upset this year. Nothing good happens on my birthday. Every year, I will be disappointed. Up to the point that I always tell myself to forget it cause there's nothing good to celebrate. Humans are born to survive and it's a sin. Cause humans are always being hurt, or hurting others. Why? I just wish that God would grant my wish and let me die within these seven days. I feel as if I can no longer cope with my life anymore. I no longer know what I'm capable of and I no longer know what I'll do after these seven days.It's unlikely that things will all change in these seven days. But I hope if I do still live on, after these seven days, I hope my life will take a turn to be better. Because I'm tired. I just want a peaceful life.