Tuesday, February 15, 2011

i guess it's all over from today onwards
never have i been disappointed so much
i expected a reason for this behaviour today
you lied to me
you PURPOSELY refuse to answer my 40 calls and smses
you never once think about how i feel
you never care
yet you blamed me for not understanding you
i tried asking everything i can
yet you're the one whom hides everything from me
15 months of relationship is actually all lies
there's no trust, no understanding

we're back to square one
give me a reason not to break
i can no longer find the reason to maintain it anymore
i can no longer convince myself to not break
my instinct told me that this decision will be a wrong decision since the starting
yet i ignore it
this is what i got in the end for ignoring my instinct
i feel tired
6 years of pain, only to let it happen again
i've put all the efforts i can
yet i know, this time is different
there's no longer any resistance from you
nor there is from me
maybe it's really the time to let go...

i'm heartbroken
i'm upset, disappointed
i'm tired

Monday, February 14, 2011

it's Valentine's Day today
it's my first time celebrating
i got a wonderful expensive gift from my darling
but it makes me guilty!!
cause i gave him something useful but not as expensive as what he gave me
well, i hope you like it...do you daryl?? lol

hmm exam's coming soon
prom is this friday
my bf's exam is this saturday
my exam is next wednesday
oh stress stressss
what should i do?
if i can teach my bf, then i'm sacrificing my future
but if i don't help him, i'll feel damn guilty
but what can i do?
all i can hope is that he'll really work hard himself
and treat all his studies with passion and seriousness
afterall, he's already 20 years old..
it's impossible that at this age he should still be spoon fed right?
oh gosh, all these are getting on my nerves

i guess i have to stop playing games now
i'm trying hard to stop it
but...sometimes i really need entertainment >.<
right now i'm heading the advice by my friend's ex
it has been so long where there's someone whom can motivate me
i love that feeling
it's a feeling where you feel happy and motivated to study
it's a positive encouragement and i constantly do need encouragement when it comes to study
hopefully i can find someone who's near to me where i can obtain encouragements like this :)

goodluck to myself :D
hwaiting!! <3

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

things have gone back to normal right now
it seems nice...yet...i feel as if there's something behind this calm
certainly, i'm thinking too much
but you can't blame me for being cautious
either way, i'm too harrassed to think bout these right now
exam is in 2 weeks time and my prom is in one week's time
everyone has planned everything, well except me
i have friends who could help me out through my troubles
yet, i feel as if i have the obligation to stick to my group unless they request not to
it's not that i'm not appreciating my friend's help but....
i really dunno how to explain it

sometimes, i really wonder, is it a good thing to tell someone about what is going on in ur mind??
with the current people that i'm hanging out with now, it seems that none would think from the opposite's position but based on their own rights
none would actually bother to think what's actually bothering me, yet they would like to ask
when i tell, they said i'm being paranoid and give me the 'look'
i'm tired of facing the 'look' all the time
maybe, maybe it's time that i should shut my mouth on everything...including to my bf since really, none understands

i've been trying to find my peace for long
yet, i've tried all and what i could get is only temporary peace
suddenly, after the holidays, i feel tired once again
i feel that it's really a hard thing communicating with friends
when i do not communicate, they asked me whether i'm ok
when i said i am, they don't believe
but when i do communicate, they ignored and give the 'look' to me
when i get new friends or talk to some people only, they say i'm playing politics
what do they actually want from me?
or is it that i've tolerate too much?
but to me, this is actually nothing
i totally can understand if any of them are having the same situation
i give them their space and be right by their side
but why does all these feel as if it's all one sided?
sadly, no one agrees anymore
no one understands anymore

maybe, maybe it's best that i shut myself up once again
maybe, maybe i should just ignore everything including others' feelings
maybe, maybe...
maybe.............
i don't know
i really don't....

Friday, February 4, 2011

the memories lay fresh in my mind
being the one whom stayed by your side at all times
you left me to pursue your dreams
the unspoken language between us was still left unsaid
you, being the one whom left
has an unknown future that lies ahead
while i, was abandoned at the same place
you and i, we're different
you have a dream to pursue
and you left without hesitation
while i, was left to pick up the memories
seeing the same routine
but without you
slowly, everyone's leaving
while i, still being here to do what i should do
will there be anymore future between us?
the world's so big
is there a chance where we might meet again?

that night, it was the last time you and i talked
that day, it was the last time you and i exchanged a glance
that day you left, i was all alone....
This shall be my second Chinese New Year post if I'm not wrong
This year, I've no idea what's ahead
Nothing seems to be about my zodiac this year as none can be seen or heard on the television

Anyways, as usual, Chinese New Year's eve was spent eating lunch at my grandma's house
Unlike other normal families which have reunion dinner, mine, we have lunch
At night, again as usual, my mum would cook fried mee hoon
I feel that as if Chinese New Year is just like any other day
It brings no special routines or anything, except for the sounds of fireworks around me
Ever since the death of my grandmother, CNY is nothing at all
I miss those times when I can go back hometown, play with my cousins and her friends, and cycle on the empty roads
Even if there are people of cars, they treat you politely and sometimes, even talked to you if they recognised you
This year, I have four cars that can take me back home
But I've got on none
My mum refused to go back as she claimed that her mum is no longer there
There's no longer a reason to go back
But I'm thinking, why can't go back and reminisce on the memories?
Even her dead mother would have love that
But I guess, my mum is still living in denial
I miss hometown

On the first day of Chinese New Year, I spent it at home whole day
Playing Plant vs. Zombies and doing Stats homework
My parents went out with friends
And so did my sis and bro
I was left alone at home, ordering McD

On the second day of Chinese New Year
I'm not feeling well with hints of cramps
Due to the painkiller took, I'm now in dazed
Though they say it's necessary to stay happy and upbeat during CNY,
I can't help but feeling down
The childhood of the memories of CNY, I can no longer get it back
I guess it's time to grow up
Nothing seems fun and happy anymore..

Anyways, Happy Chinese New Year people :)