Wednesday, June 27, 2012

two months have just passed like that. it has been 8 months you've filled up my mind. no matter how much i want to forget, i want to let go, i can't. i feel as if my time is running out short. short of what, i really don't know. last night, i tried to sleep. i can't. something's stopping me and i don't know what is bothering me. for 4 hours i lay there, with my mind blank and tears running non-stop. i don't even know why am i crying, what am i crying for. in less than a week, you'll be off. i guess that is really the end. you've moved on and there's nothing that i can do to make you turn around anymore, nothing that i can do to stop you. you're happy where you are, while i'm still struggling, trying hard to keep my life forward. each day, i take a tiny step, wishing and hoping that everything will end soon. truth is, it already ended. but i can't go through my own stage. am i living in denial? no matter how much i want to move on, i can't imagine that day. each day someone will mention about you to me. each day, i dread my day. each day, i pray, wish and hope that i can be stronger, be who i am suppose to be. if things are not meant to be, why am i still holding on to this fate? if things are not meant to be, why did it start, and why did it end? i started this because i believe that we're friends. close friends. even if there is nothing wrong, i would want to maintain a special feeling towards you just like how i am towards my friends: a sense of trust and love. i didn't know how or why things turn out this way, but it still hurts.

last night a thought occurred. i remembered 9 years ago, i wished to meet a guy 10 years later. now it's already 9 years. will and can i meet the guy next year? in these 9 years, we've never met into each other before, even if we're from the same school. in these 9 years, my life have been filled with regret. if that time i'd take the chance, the opportunity, would things be different? this is something that i never thought after 9 years and i will still think about it everyday, every night. we're not the same person, we're not the right person. but i believe i will attain some closure from it. but sadly, he knows nothing about my feelings. i've keep this in secret for so many years that it has become part of my life. right now, i didn't what to keep another secret, another pain, another regret for the rest of my life. i know i should learn to let go. i'm trying hard to.

the moment you appeared, i thought this is my second chance. but why, is this karma? you give up just like that. i did not have the chance to make any decisions. you let me go and move on. you're happy, very happy right now and i'm happy for you. it's not easy to attain such happiness, such contentment. you're lucky. all the best to you...